Jack Swipeout

When you found me and I found you, I was wrecked. I was lost, and I was lonely. Trying to heal. I think you were all of those things too. Two lost, damaged people who found each other at sea. There was room enough for two on the door that we clung to. You taught me more than anyone else in my life before or since. Technical things. Practical things. New places. New Experiences. I had fun, and I hope you did too. I think you did at the time. You and I made a great partnership. Our personalities supporting each other. The sum of us greater than each of us. We clung together and made it out of the darkness. At least I did, but I don't think you ever really did. Looking at you and how much you did for me, I could only see your strength and not the shadows that clung to your heart and mind. Looking at myself and how much you did for me, I could only see my weaknesses and how much I needed you.  I could not imagine the doubts inside of you, and I could not see your fears. I could not see...

I never intended to fall in love with you. For all of my life, loving someone who loved me back was mission one.  I kissed a lot of princesses looking for the one who would change me from a frog. I dated many people looking for the piece to complete me. In time, losing you put me on the path to understand that those were foolish hope of an easy way out. I was the one who kept me enchanted. I was the one who did not see I was complete. That process took years. And it hurt. And I missed you the entire time. That summer evening, I knew I was leaving town in a couple of months.  I put my search for the one on pause. I gave myself permission to just be me. One date. Ice cream. A movie. A kiss.  You were so beautiful inside and out. You were the first to undo the locks around my heart. I knew you were the one for me, and I could not imagine any other outcome. You, on the other hand, were inexperienced. You did not know what you wanted.  That Friday in September we were jus...

 J for Jaeden doer of dishes and taker out of trash. Daddy's original little boy. A for Aspen even though she does not use that name anymore. Our first artist who teaches and inspires her siblings. C for Chris. That's me! K for Kieler who is the youngest of the first five and oldest of the second six. He used to like to dance. S for Schaffer the loudest who once wanted to be a chef and might be again. W for Whitten the first born. I for Iyana the boss and walker of dogs. Also the toughest. And the bossiest. P for Pacey the youngest boy and quietist child. Daddy's second little boy. E for Eilka the mischievous one. She knows right and wrong but wrong seems more fun...when she learns to use her powers for good, she will be a force to be reckoned with. O for Okalani the youngest and most surprising. With nine older siblings you would think we have seen it all. She likes to prove us wrong. U for Uriella lover of horses and animals in general. She used to have the craziest curls...

2:25 in the morning the Wednesday before Thanksgiving The vacationers next door enjoyed a loud pool party full of laughter It would make for a useful sound for an alarm clock While I tossed and turned, I tried to avoid thoughts of petty revenge In my head, I composed a poem of eight lines And  I thought to myself I would remember in the morning to write it down Four hours later when I woke again at my usual time The poem was lost.

Gandhi never said or wrote: Be the change you want to see in the world. Does the wisdom of the words mean less if the great person did not utter them? When we grant a monopoly on wisdom to a few great ones,  We diminish our own insights, the insights of the many, and the power of the idea. Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha were only wise and great teachers. But they are not the only teachers. Discovery of knowledge and wisdom did not begin and end with them. There is benefit in using this wisdom as a foundation to see further and understand more, But there is also a risk in not trusting ourselves to see further.

 In your smile I was reborn today. You are an unexpected angel sent to brighten my heart. Your eyes dance, and your smile cuts straight to my heart. I am reborn as new emotions flow through my being. Without meaning to, without effort, without plan, or intent your sweet, effortless smile opens my heart. I am reborn. What a miracle your smile is! In the single brief moment that your eyes danced and your smile opened my heart, I become new again. My voice had grown silent, But your smile stirred me from a deep sleep. Now I struggle to find the words to express my gratitude to you. Your smile has stirred my voice from its mute sleep without plan or intent, your simple gift has taught  me how to speak with feelings and not just words. Now I struggle not to speak, but to find the words to express my gratitude to you, my smiling angel. You are my angel from above showing me the way with the grace and light of your smile. February 28, 1999

College sucked for me. Not the coursework...I graduated early with honors and distinction. Not the friends I still have today. Not the campus jobs that started my career. First disaster: September of the first year. I had a history of being a bad boyfriend. She was loving and beautiful and worth changing for. And I did. Unfortunately she made other choices. I could sense the distance that night, and it all unraveled. My heart was broken. Depression nipped at my heels. That February I stood on a bridge trying to find the strength to cross it to keep going. Second disaster: Three weeks after the bridge. My body broke. An infection in my liver. A week in the hospital. A year of recovery. Depression consumed me as my joints ached.  I kept going. Stayed in school though my grades suffered. One morning that summer I could not get out of bed. My knees no longer working. Finally good news. The biopsy showing healing. Disaster three: Four weeks after the biopsy. It was Saturday morning. Whe...

Catch a lift up the mountain. Cross the ridge to a slope untouched by people. In the distance the lake they call Gitchee Goomie. Start my descent. Down the Sunset Trail.  Supposed to be easy. Not for me. Faster faster too fast. Lean to side fall in snow. No witnesses but the hemlocks to see my wipeout.  Back up and start again. No sound but the skis sliding through the snow. Faster faster too fast. Lean to side fall in snow. Never been so bad at something I enjoyed so much.

I need to find a path through a dark forest. Remember that the first rule is faith and the second patience. Together, they create stillness, and in stillness all options fall away to leave one clear path. August 18, 1999

 Salvation like enlightenment is a process not a destination. (May 18, 1999) My goals are bigger than my ego. Just because you could does not mean you should. There is a fine line between stupid and insanity, and some people have a foot in both. Sometimes incompetence can be mistaken for conspiracy. It is amazing how a crazy person can make craziness seem sane. Right hands at the right time.

I think about all the things we dreamed together, and I see those dreams dissolve. I'm not willing to do this -- but I have no choice.

lucid delusions vibrant shades of grey obvious nuances

At our house, I gathered a few remaining items.  Once I thought I heard cat paws on the basement stairs.  Another time I thought I heard a bird squawk.  I looked for Oliver to be watching and waiting at the front door.  I expected to see Maggie run-up to the fence.  All just ghosts and shadows conjured up from habit and memory of time and emotion spent in that place.

 Stillness. There is a quiet place inside of us all. A stillness. I believe this place is the source of our strength. A connection to one's soul. We spend a lifetime hungering, thirsting, questing for something outside us when all along we need to look inside to find our own stillness.

There is the yin and the yang. Call and response. Duality. But there is also the In between. This is the trinity. The becoming that is not yet. The now. The Zen.

Student. Teacher. Coach. Hero of my own life journey. Lover of donuts.

  Sometimes you come around a strange corner to find yourself somewhere familiar A ghost place from the past with memories that pull at you Feelings leak from the strong boxes where they have been stored and forgotten

 Sometimes you lose someone. Two paths diverged in a wood. You took one and I took the other. You took the one I could not follow.   I slumped to the floor when I heard the news. I remember the last time we talked. Late at night. Your place. I dropped off the keys.   When you died a part of me died too. Not the best part, but a good part. When you died a hole opened in my heart. A part of me withdrew. You were the trickster, the funster, the outgoing one. And I lost a part of me that was tied to you.

 It started in 1981. Mr. Nixon's th grade English class. Work done. Blank page. Start writing "On the high seat of Telar." Fantasy narrative. The teacher took what I was writing. I chased the old man around the room. Embrassed to share. For five years, wrote and wrote. Poems. A play. Lost it all when given to the person who I gave my heart. Then the darkness. Heartbreak. Illness. Loss. Depression. Futile attempts to find the person I had been. Academic and professional writing. Stale. Thesis. Dissertation. Presentations and articles. Memos, emails, and reports. Classroom posts. Two advice books published. Creative force invested in children. Ten in fifteen years starting in 2001. Pen name from their initials and their parents inititials. My mother was an artist. Paints. Pencils. Pens. Scuplture. Not me. My father was a storyteller. Better than I will ever be. My siblings took after them. Not me the youngest. Wanted to write short stories knowing a novel was too much. Poet...